Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
The Right’s beloved messenger,
You’ve lately been a target of abuse.
You dropped the bomb that starts with N,
Repeated it ten times again,
And thought, “It’s nice to have a good excuse!”
You whine because you’ve taken heat,
Except for Mama Grizzly’s tweet.
The LSM has got you in its sights.
But you’re simply, if you’re asking me,
An F-ing word-that-starts-with-C.
(I’ve also got my First Amendment rights!)
I’m Badass Blagojevich! Baby, I’m free!
No rinky-dink prison could ever hold me!
They couldn’t convict. I’m as good as acquitted
Of all but just one of the crimes I committed!
I’ll beat ‘em despite all their sound and their fury,
As long as one moron is picked for the jury!
Michael Egan was a vegan.
Always ate organic greens,
Hand-picked oats and barley groats
In no way processed by machines.
Michael was a junk-food-hater.
Healthy living was his cause.
Never saw that speeding freighter
Hauling tons of Häagen-Dazs.
Tell us, Little Caesar,
For we’re keen to hear it all.
Did you war with Little Pompey?
Did you conquer Little Gaul?
In Little Alexandria,
Were orgies hot and sweet,
And was Little Cleopatra
What you’d call a three-meat treat?
We’ve searched the ancient annals,
But the answers still elude us.
Were you murdered in the Senate
By your buddy Little Brutus?
Did you unify an empire
Of a Lilliputian size?
Or just dominate a market
With your cut-rate pizza pies?
Opponents of Cordoba House
Would pass a resolution
To ban construction of a mosque,
And damn the constitution!
And you, most honored imam,
So enlightened, wise and good,
Although you’ve got the right to build,
That doesn’t mean you should!
“It fosters peace!” ”Does not!” “Does too!”
How ’bout you all just get a clue?
Cathy’s lessons:
Chocolate is a woman’s favorite snack.
A day of swimsuit shopping
can reduce a girl to “Ack!”
A man is never sensitive.
A mother always nags.
And to syndicate a comic strip,
you need at least four gags.
Perhaps you stayed up half the night
To get your smart phone working right,
Or maybe you were playing games
Or generating rock band names
Or harvesting your Farmville fruit
Or making Zwinkies extra cute
Or wasting time on Google Chat.
Exhausted? There’s a nap for that!
It was on the ninth of August. He’d been up since very early.
The cabin was oppressive and the passengers were surly.
But little did they know as they descended from the sky
That soon they’d feel the wrath of Angry Flight Attendant Guy!
Confronted by a bitchy type, he chewed the dame a new one.
(If he hadn’t had a pair before, he very quickly grew one!)
Then lowering the safety slide, he said a quick “Buh-bye,”
And that’s the last they saw of Angry Flight Attendant Guy!
If you’ve got a crappy dead-end job, at least you’ve got a hero.
For rude and whiny customers his tolerance is zero!
Perhaps one day you’ll meet him (though no longer when you fly),
That bold and brassy badass, Angry Flight Attendant Guy!
The temperature’s a hundred two.
I feel like I’m on fire.
It seems there’s little left to do
But crank the AC higher,
Releasing extra greenhouse gas
And heat the world to cool my ass.
A quick, easy treat for the summery weather:
Mix flour and sugar and butter together,
Then add in a couple of eggs, slightly beaten,
A dash of vanilla to flavor and sweeten
Plus soda for making the batter less heavy.
Then bake in the back of a ‘69 Chevy.
