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Brand-Name Rhymes: A Collection

1. Crocker Shocker!

To bakers, Betty Crocker
Is the sweetheart of the nation,
But among her friends and neighbors
She’s acquired a reputation!
Any loser with a logo
Gets a piece of Betty’s pie,
From the buff and beefy Brawny
To the Quaker Oatmeal guy!

She’s dallied in the valley
With a giant dude who’s green.
She’s gotten more than flirty
With that dirty Mr. Clean.
Mr. Whipple squeezed her nipple
And it didn’t even shock her.
She receives a weekly booty call
From Orville Redenbacher!

Betty Crocker flaunts her knockers
In a trashy, low-cut top.
They say she had a foursome once
With Crackle, Snap and Pop!
She diddled Mr. Peanut,
Though he’s obviously gay.
She may not shill for Frito,
But the gal’s an easy Lay!

crocker

 

2. In the Cuckoo’s Nest

The Cocoa Puffs Cuckoo’s a dangerous bird
When he heeds the commands of the voices he’s heard.
It’s the sugar, perhaps, but whatever the cause,
He’s more batty than ever Count Chocula was!
He dreams up conspiracies, stockpiles his arms.
He’s obsessively after some guy’s lucky charms.
We’re all out to get him (or that’s how he sees us).
He never forgives, though convinced that he’s Jesus!
His doctors have tried every antipsychotic,
Zyprexa and others a lot more exotic.
I’m sorry to say, but it must be admitted,
We’ll never be safe till that cuckoo’s committed!

cocoapuffs

 

3. Bitter Cup

My name is Señor Juan Valdez.
My burro is José.
I pick the boss’s coffee beans
For twenty cents a day.
The migrant tent is undersize.
The whole plantation’s full of spies
Who shoot us if we unionize
Or even disobey.
My life is trouble, debt and pain.
Next year, instead, I grow cocaine!

valdez

 

4. Man of Respect

He arrived without even a cent to his name,
With dreams of prosperity, fortune and fame.
He was scrappy, intelligent, tough as could be,
The ambitious bambino, young Chef Boy-ar-dee.

He worked day and night as his own driven boss,
Perfecting his pasta and selling his sauce,
Till Don Tito came by at the end of one week,
Demanding, “I jus’ gotta wetta my beak!”

“Of course!” said the chef.  “I’ll be happy to pay.
Come into the kitchen.  Please follow, this way.”
Then he snatched up a knife, and by all that’s unholy,
Don Tito was stuffing in meat ravioli!

And now that the former padrone was gone,
He solemnly took his new place as the don.
“An unfortunate matter, we all must agree,
But of course, it’s just business,” said Chef Boy-ar-dee.

boyardee

 

5. Hella Spicy

The Underwood Devil is subtle and slick.
Deceitful and scheming, he knows every trick.
He plays on the weakness of those he would damn,
Till they sell him their souls for a morsel of ham!
His friendly demeanor and innocent grin
Will make you succumb to the deadliest sin.
He’ll entice you with spice till you’re under his spell.
He’s got you forever.  He’ll see you in Hell!

underwood

 

 

5 Comments

  1. Muriel San & Jack bu wrote:

    Betty Crocker, no she would never

    Mom made Betty Crocker biscuits …

    Soft and white soothing to the touch,
    sweet with honey I loved it too much,

    I ate a whole bunch,
    no not sweet Betty Crocker I had nary a hunch.

    biscuits an white gravy,
    just driving me crazy,

    Monday, April 4, 2011 at 1:46 pm | Permalink
  2. L.N.Newman wrote:

    Truly I would have expected more from a scholar’s son,
    Probably the years gone by have left something undone,
    Back when we were in class,
    Had you written such “sass”
    You would have been called to the office
    And they would have paddled your ass!!

    Monday, April 4, 2011 at 8:25 pm | Permalink
  3. Scott wrote:

    Good heavens… Are you my junior high English teacher?

    Monday, April 4, 2011 at 10:05 pm | Permalink
  4. Linda Newman wrote:

    No, just having some fun late at night…after reading your poetry. Actually, I graduated with Win and Bonnie and we had a super English teacher, Mrs. Webster. She would have chuckled at your poetry…I was just messing with you. But for sure, our day would not have seen those words (or innuendos) in print!!
    If you are truly their son…you are a chip off the old block…they were tops in our class…admired by all! Keep creatiing!! Linda

    Tuesday, April 5, 2011 at 2:32 pm | Permalink
  5. Scott wrote:

    OK, I get it. I’m Win’s cousin, not his son. My dad was a professor of Spanish, so I assumed “scholar” was a reference to him. And I had a junior high English teacher named Newman. So you can understand the confusion. Anyway, thanks for the kind words!

    Tuesday, April 5, 2011 at 2:57 pm | Permalink

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