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Monthly Archives: September 2012

The Newer Testament

An intriguing new papyrus from a text on Jesus’ life suggests the possibility he may have had a wife. Perhaps she even pestered him when low on loaves and fishes. “Turn that wine back into water,” she would say, “and do the dishes!” Though a carpenter, his home repairs would linger on and on. If [...]

Royal Pain

The pride of the duchess is battered and bruised. The princes are shocked, and the Queen’s not amused. They swear that Great Britain has gone down the tubes, For the masses have peeked at Kate Middleton’s boobs! The nobles, the commons, and even ex-suitors Have all had a gander at Middleton’s hooters. It does her [...]

Digging Deeper

What’s happening, Mitt? Are you playing for laughs? Are you bent on outdoing Joe Biden in gaffes? You bungled on Libya, wouldn’t repent, Then insulted a full forty-seven percent! And just as your handlers thanked God you were through, You added a dig at the Mexicans too! You want some advice? You can still make [...]

Stranger in a Strange Land

The godless spouse on Rosh Hashanah Sits in shul, demure and meek. Rises with the congregation. Reads the words, but doesn’t speak. Fixes his unruly kippah, Thinking, “Is it getting hot?” Here’s the part where all are singing. Should he daven? Maybe not. Makes it through the lengthy sermon, Dozing only once or twice. Counts [...]

Death of a Gag

The secret of a meme’s success Is instant recognition. And yet it entertains us less With every repetition. A formula, when rightly used, Is trendy, fresh and clever. The thousandth time, we’re still amused. “It rocks!” said no one ever.

Frivolous Men

If the battiest, looniest nut job on Earth Alleges the prez is a Kenyan by birth, Then stripping the Dems of their vote is our goal! We’re Kansas Republicans. That’s how we roll! Don’t try to dissuade us with “reason” or “fact.” No claim’s too extreme if Obama’s attacked! They can say he’s Godzilla! A [...]

Black Market

Bloomberg’s brought back prohibition! Jumbo drinks are now taboo! Crooks and mugs are on a mission, Brewing bathtub Mountain Dew! Need some hefty Coca-Colas? Mr. Pibb, the drink of sin? Go out back to Joe Carolla’s. Knock three times, he’ll let you in. Sunkist sells like liquid crack. There’s Sprite for those who’ve got the [...]

Smarter Phone

The iPhone 5 is off and running! Now it’s faster loading apps. The taller, four-inch screen is stunning. Gotta love those 3-D maps! Its look is slim and iridescent, Plus it takes amazing pics. But sadly, now it’s obsolescent. Better wait for iPhone 6!

Death By Sugar

The nation’s growing more obese, As scientists and doctors warn. They’ve notified the health police Of Oreos with candy corn! Their color’s got a neon glow. They’re packed with sugar by the ton. Their fiber content’s extra low, And no one ever eats just one! The CDC is quite alarmed. They’ve issued warnings all must [...]

Killer Wheels

I want to buy a Batmobile to cruise around the city. I’ll make those sweet Pirellis squeal while blasting raps by Fitty. The speed alone will be a kick. My friends will say, “Your ride looks sick!” I’ll sure as hell impress that chick who dresses like a kitty! I’ll buzz that dorky Man of [...]