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Monthly Archives: September 2012

How Not to Economize (A Song to the Tune of “My Favorite Things”)

Toothbrushes, tea bags and old windshield wipers, Light bulbs and paint and disposable diapers, Blackened bananas, all mushy and bruised, These are some things you should never buy used! Q-Tips and condoms and charcoal for grilling, Stretched-out guitar strings and Oreo filling, Bad-smelling blankets from people who’ve boozed, These are some things you should never [...]

Roadside Poetry

IF THESE WERE OLDER, SIMPLER TIMES, I’D STILL BE WRITING CHEESY RHYMES. BY DAY, BY NIGHT, I’D TOIL AND SLAVE, COMPOSING SIGNS FOR BURMA-SHAVE.

Spare Parts

I read that doctors grew an ear upon a woman’s arm. So I think I’ll start a business and become an organ farm! You need a nose? A tongue? A toe? Perhaps you need a thumb. For a very modest one-time fee, I’ll grow one on my bum! I’ll grow a nipple if you like. [...]

Free Debate Advice

For presidential also-rans, advising is in vogue. While one says, “Be your charming self,” another says, “Go rogue!” “Take on the toughest issues, but with humor, sass and pith.” “Proclaim your constant faith in God, but not in Joseph Smith!” To weigh so many varied tips, You’ve got to be astute. Would you rather flop [...]

Mr. Fix-It

When the votes are all counted and I’ve become boss, I’ll govern with wisdom and brains. I’ll scrap aviation’s absurd regulations And roll down the windows on planes! The eggheads and liberals pooh-pooh my plan. They say it’s not “prudent” or “bright.” But folks, I’m no stranger to that sort of danger, And that’s why [...]

Bucket List

Behold the aging baby boomer! Realizing time is short, He does parkour or maybe scuba Just to try a different sport. Better master French and Spanish! Roam the nation in a van! Swim with dolphins! Write a novel! Do some shrooms at Burning Man! Visit Rome and Machu Picchu! Ride a camel! Learn to fly! [...]

Bad Idea

If you ever pet a resting cat And take it by surprise, It rips your flesh with razor teeth, It scratches out your eyes. It pauses then to whet its claws, But soon attacks again. And that is why we never jump inside a tiger’s den!

The Teleplay’s the Thing!

If Shakespeare were alive today, He’d write for “Mad Men” or “Treme.” His moody Danish prince gone mad Would be some thug in “Breaking Bad.” His “Newsroom” scenes would surely please The fans of long soliloquies. He’d crank out “Cougar Town” for money. (Let’s face it, he was never funny!) Then students, centuries ahead, Would [...]

Scenic Route

I tried to plan a weekend trip To beautiful Montana. I started at the Vegas Strip, Then crossed the Susquehanna. I wandered through Peoria, Fort Lauderdale, Astoria, Madrid and Lake Victoria, Then ended in Havana. Of all the latest travel apps, I had to go with Apple Maps!

Whole Grain Badness

I’ve tried my best to eat for health, but now I’ve paid the price. According to the latest news, there’s arsenic in rice! I’ve kept my fiber intake high, I have since I was ten. And only to be murdered by the likes of Uncle Ben! From here on out, I’ll live on fries and [...]