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Monthly Archives: August 2012

Biology According to Akin

When the seed is first implanted in a willing woman’s womb, The fairies come to visit in that tiny, cozy room. They spread their magic rainbow dust and sprinkle drops of joy. When they mix it all together, it’s a living girl or boy! But the miracle won’t happen if the woman’s been attacked. (I [...]

Laughter, the Best Depressant

I love me a gut-wrenching comedy show! The kind where the laughs leave me moody and low. A hilarious act full of brilliance and wit, Revealing that human existence is shit! When it comes to guffaws that can ruin my day, I can’t get enough of that Louis C.K.!

Better Living Through Genetics!

Whenever I eat cheesy fries Or nacho chips or Cheerios, A little voice inside me cries, “You know you’re eating GMOs!” My sandwich bread makes herbicide. My coffee keeps the bugs away. My peanut butter’s modified With pterodactyl DNA! My cantaloupes have turtle feet, My meats and veggies recombine. They say we all are what [...]

When You’ve Got to Go…

Here I sit, morose and tense, In mortal dread and great suspense. My heart is filled with grim foreboding. Will my toilet be exploding? Maybe not, but odds are bleak. It’s quite a crap shoot, so to speak! As Mozart quipped in times long past, Must this movement be my last?

Enough Already!

Zynga, Zynga, what’s your thing-a? How much spam do you have to bring-a? Poker and Cityville invitations Givin’ me fits and palpitations! “A friend in Farmville sent you a hoe!” “Post all moves on your Timeline?” No!!! Zynga, Zynga, overkill king-a, Don’t blame me for givin’ the finga!

Exercises in Futility

I fear that if I swam the seas Or foiled a vile, ingenious plot Or freed the world of all disease, My efforts all would go for nought. If I had won the Powerball, Unearthed a priceless Roman vase, Or even built the Taj Mahal Or blown the Death Star up in space Or crossed [...]

Made in America

You can talk of unemployment and the debt’s increasing size. You can bicker over which campaign has told the bigger lies. You can warn of cuts to Medicare, and seniors quake in fear. But there’s still good news in politics. Obama’s brewing beer! It’s delicious, it’s refreshing, and it’s healthful as can be. It’ll probably [...]

All the Stuff That’s Fit to Print

I’m going to buy a 3-D printer, Then I’ll print myself a car. I’ll print myself some beer and whiskey. Hell, I’ll print the whole damn bar! I’ll print a priceless grand piano, Then I’ll print a private jet. And if I get to feeling lonely, Why not print myself a pet? I’ll print a [...]

Seeing the Light

I once was sympathetic to the nation’s working poor. I was troubled that the hungry numbered millions, maybe more. I naively thought the government should lend a helping hand. But I’ve since become enlightened, for I’ve read the works of Rand! I’ve learned that if you’re needy, it’s your own pathetic fault. You’re a parasite, [...]

In Search of Total Originality

Another greater mind than mine Has sadly, badly crossed the line. When others’ works have met our eyes, It seems we’re doomed to plagiarize. A Writer’s Creed is what we need: For safety’s sake, don’t ever read! Avoid all contacts, work alone, Make sure that every thought’s your own. It might be better, truth to [...]