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Monthly Archives: August 2012

The Speech In Brief

I accept your nomination, Humbled by your approbation! Here’s Paul Ryan.  He’s the bomb. Super fella.  Loves his mom! Last election: “Change and hope.” Four years later: Better?  Nope! I’m a plain midwestern guy, Raised on good ol’ apple pie. Were we optimists?  Darn straight! Wasn’t that Neil Armstrong great? Father came from Mexico. Built [...]

Bad Element

The Queen in a hoodie is trouble, it’s plain. She’ll mug you on sight, and she’ll bring royal pain! She loiters in London with criminal malice. She tweaks the guards’ noses at Buckingham Palace! She’s ruthless and brutal, the whole enchilada. I bet she could whack the whole Spanish Armada! It’s scary when elderly royals [...]

For the Fairer Sex

Girls are girls and guys are guys. Their tastes and talents rarely mix. So ladies, just for you — Surprise! We’re introducing Bics for Chicks! They come in lovely fashion hues. (We know just how you get your kicks!) The nicest, cutest curlicues Are lightly penned with Bics for Chicks! Your hands are meant for [...]

Perpetual Beginner

I know my chords from A to G, Though sadly, they don’t always stick. If I can practice faithfully, Perhaps some day I’ll finger pick. I’ve learned “A-Hunting We Will Go” And “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” And soon I’ll be that guy you know Who kinda, sorta plays guitar.

Peace of Mind

Farmers have their crop insurance, Coverage for drought or hail. I could use some joke insurance. Then I’d fear no Humor Fail! When the sudden, mocking silence let me know my line was lame, When the crickets started chirping, Then I’d simply file a claim. Maybe I would bomb on purpose. “You from Joisey?” “Take [...]

No Way Out

The handle on the restroom door Is surely crawling with disease. I might as well just lick the floor Of every outhouse in Belize! It’s got E. coli, salmonella, Cholera, the Asian flu, Yellow fever, AIDS, rubella, Probably Ebola too! Now I’m doomed, there’s no denying. Someone call my next of kin. By tomorrow I’ll [...]

Restoration Comedy

If your artwork needs restoring, I’ll be glad to volunteer. I can paint a frizzy fright wig On your Rembrandt or Vermeer. When I’m touching up a fresco, I will go the extra mile. I can add a dash of Pepsodent To Mona Lisa’s smile! I can really punch the colors In your lilies by [...]

Keeping the British End Up

If I were Harry, Prince of Wales, I’d be the stuff of ribald tales. I’d fly to Vegas on a spree And show the world my “royal wee.” The press would sneer, the Queen would wince. I’d smirk, “It’s good to be the prince!” I’d boost the British tabloid sales If I were Harry, Prince [...]

Attic Antics

Though Plato’s rad Academy admittedly was cool, Aristotle’s sweet Lyceum was the bigger party school! There were bacchanals and orgies where they’d drink their vessels dry. There was horny dialectic with the babes of Delta Pi! They would moon the rhetoricians. They were impudent and lewd. “Symposium!” they’d holler, which is Greek for “Party, dude!” [...]

Have I Got a Bargain for You!

Times are bad, I’m sure you know. I’m busted! Everything must go! Step right up, let’s make a deal. Amazing bargains! What a steal! Lowest prices! Almost free! Am I crazy? Possibly! Gotta sell, ’cause I’m in hock. PLEASE, just buy my Facebook stock!