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Monthly Archives: July 2010

The Halfway Diet

It’s time to get healthy, so here’s what I’ll do. I’ll simply divide my consumption by two! From now on my limit’s a three-pack of beers. My candy is One-And-A-Half Musketeers. Or a 50 Grand Bar (which is certainly plenty). At Starbucks, a dieci instead of a venti.  A can of V-4 is quite filling, I feel, [...]

Beware of Beast

I want a chupacabra. It would be the coolest pet! Though admittedly they’re ugly, They’re low-maintenance, I’ll bet! It would feed on unsuspecting goats Or now and then a cow, So I’d never have to spend a buck On Chupacabra Chow! It would mostly stay in hiding When it wasn’t busy biting And would often [...]

House Poor

The roof needs replacing, The plumbing is leaky, There’s mold in the walls And the floorboards are creaky. The wiring is faulty. The overhead flashes. A house is a thief, And it knows where your cash is! 

In Memoriam

Harvey Pekar, Mr. Harvey Pekar, A low-level clerk and an underground star, Your fans are in mourning, your story has ended. America now is a little less Splendid. An irascible gadfly, a stickler for truth, You were cynical, mordant, a trifle uncouth. You’d snipe at the high and you’d carp at the low, Which can [...]

Futbol Fan

If I were continental, I’d have soccer in my soul. I would pay a million euros Just to hear the cry of, “GOOOAALL!” And if my team had missed a shot, I’d simply blame the ball Or send death threats to an octopus named Paul.

Old man upon the oatmeal box With triple chin and silver locks, Reveal to me — and tell the truth – The foibles of your reckless youth. Did you succumb to gin and rum? Is “Bite me” inked upon your bum? Did you keep ganja in your locker? Deflower young Miss Betty Crocker? Come clean [...]

Can Run, Can’t Hide

I’m trying to hide from my neighbor, Though it’s slightly neurotic behavior. For once we’re together, He’ll chat about weather, Then share a few thoughts on our Savior. I avoid him like yesterday’s coffee, Like rancid roast beef or salami. So I’ll slip round the edge Of this nicely-placed hedge, Then into my hou– Crap, [...]

Goofy for the Grape

I’d like to be a connoisseur, a brilliant oenophile. I’d describe a wine as “buttery,” “robust” or “versatile.” I’d know merlot from cabernet, Critique the finest chardonnay, Surpass a seasoned sommelier in expertise and style! I’d know what’s meant by “jammy” and which Riesling really rocks. I’d suggest the perfect complement for lobster, steak or [...]

After the Firestorm

The Roman candles flame no more. The rockets all have flown. The flares and sparklers now are spent. The cherry bombs are blown. It’s time to put the punks away, For now the Fourth is over, And mop the puddle left behind By terror-stricken Rover.

Sic Transit

I recall a time when flying wasn’t such a huge ordeal. It was organized and civilized, I’d even say genteel. But now security alone has rendered me a wreck. I’ve got half a foot of butt room and I’m sitting next to Shrek! They’ve just run out of snacks, and it’s a seven-hour flight. I’d [...]