Skip to content

Monthly Archives: April 2010

Arkeology

They’ve discovered the Ark on the mountain! It’s every believer’s great hope! The evidence can’t be disputed. You see how there’s wood and some rope? There were animals packed in the cabin. You can tell by the remnants of wool. And if that doesn’t make it conclusive, There’s the lingering smell from the bull!

Sachs of What???

The nation’s esteemed and respectable papers, Reporting on Goldman’s unscrupulous capers, In quoting a memo, could never use words With any explicit connection to turds. They had to use terms like “the s-word” and “naughty” Or “word we won’t say ’cause our mouths are not potty!” Reporters can’t quote when a senator swears, Which is [...]

Grammatical Gripe #5

There’s little left but gloom and doom For proper use of “who” and “whom.” Those using “whom” to show they’re bright Can never seem to get it right! The admin, cheerful yet appalling, Asks politely, “Whom is calling?” A few applied themselves in school And say, “Who’s there?” (unlike a fool), But oh!  What angst [...]

Really Close Encounters

The aliens are stalking Dr. Hawking. The direst of his dreams has come to pass. With weird, unearthly gibbering and squawking They’ll go all “Mars Attacks” upon his ass. He tried to give terrestrials a warning. They wrote him off as silly or insane. And so they’ll catch him unawares some morning And feast upon [...]

An Ephemeral Rhyme

“I’ve forged a creation more lasting than bronze,” Said the poet whose odes had gone viral In the town on the Tiber when nothing was Cyber And writing was mostly papyral. But modern-day e-authors write in the Cloud, Where trillions of memes must compete, Where verses can claim half a second of fame And are [...]

Instrument of Evil

It eats the page; it’s always out of ink. It clatters like a ’60 Chevy van. It flashes lights to say, “I’m on the blink!” Whenever I’ve a document to scan. It’s engineered to torture souls, I think, By demons or perhaps the Taliban! It mocks me when I think I’ve got it mastered. My [...]

This is going to hurt…

Medieval physicians, as history teaches, Would bleed all their patients with razors and leeches. They’d give you a physick to balance your humours, Perhaps a live rat to eradicate tumors. Barbaric techniques, and yet all of them pale When compared to our present-day torture — the scale!

Taking a Break

Bill drank his Budweiser. Jan sipped chablis. He watched “Survivor” while she preferred “Glee.” They listened to music on two different stations. And that’s how the Browns spent their separate staycations.

Straight Man’s Lament

Today you can never say “Swinging the bat,” Or  ”longer and harder,” Or “can’t swallow that!” Or “Wow, that’s ginormous!” Or “up to my chin” Or “I need a stiff one” Or “can’t fit you in” Or “raising the high bar” Or “eating in bed” Without someone snickering, “That’s what SHE said!”

The New Prohibition

Some think that there should be a law That foods must be organic, raw, And free from sugar, salt and gluten. (The fig’s okay, but hold the Newton!) They’d outlaw brands like Heinz and Pace And any food that had a face. But while it’s still no misdemeanor, I’ll just enjoy this cheese-filled wiener!