Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Le Petomane, Le Petomane,
You never failed to entertain!
From Italy to France and Spain
You always filled the hall.
With perfect skill and expertise
You’d cut the least offensive cheese.
You’d need no beans to act out scenes
From “Fruit: The Musical!”
Le Petomane, Le Petomane,
Without the slightest sign of strain
You’d imitate a whistling train
Or warbling violin.
Your versatility of toot
Could echo the [...]
A dollar is a hundred cents.
A chicken has no lips.
Waiters tend to take offense
When given lousy tips.
William Shatner overacts.
June comes after may.
Politicians skew the facts
And Ricky Martin’s gay!
I’m now a fan of raisin bran,
Hurricanes, Uzbekistan,
Watermelon, comets, curling,
Pounding Jaeger bombs and hurling,
Chopsticks, dirt, Italian ice,
The Elgin Marbles, body lice,
Chunk light tuna in the can…
If it’s on Facebook, I’m a fan!
I’ve studied countless humor styles
In search of comic gold,
For gags that roll them in the aisles
Too often leave me cold.
But here inside this bathroom stall
I’ve come to understand.
I see the writing on the wall.
The joke is in my hand!
The chefs who’ve prepared The Last Supper
Have doubled the mass of their dishes.
With their huge appetizers
They’re true super-sizers.
They’ve multiplied bread loaves and fishes!
The disciples are practically bursting,
So they gently explain to the waiter,
“It’s his body we eat,
But by now we’re replete!
Can you box up a little for later?”
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
On NPR this time of year
A chatty pledge drive volunteer
Reminds us that it’s time to make donations.
He’s full of praise for Story Corps,
World Cafe and Tell Me More,
The shows you just don’t get on other stations!
He lists the latest donors’ names,
Wanda, William, Jenna, James,
And rarely can you hear the slightest stammer.
The number’s always on his [...]
They’ve done it! Obamacare lives!
Though the haters are now on a mission.
If it’s government-run,
Then it must be undone.
(It’s a long pre-existing condition!)
So on to the White House it goes,
Where Obama will now okey-doke it.
You can holler, “Repeal!”
But the change is for real.
Put THAT in your tea bag and soak it!
When cruising on the Interstate,
The guy I most abominate
Is that obnoxious S.O.B.
Who tries to pass at 70,
Thus giving me no end of pain
By blocking up the left-hand lane
And breeding hatred in my soul
By screwing up my cruise control!
When life gets tense, a bit off-kilter,
I find escape in Metafilter.
I hobnob there with cybergeeks,
Web designers, gaming freaks,
Ska musicians, math professors,
Artists, cooks and window-dressers.
I see the most amazing comics,
Hot debates on economics,
Classic photos culled from “Life,”
Shatner crooning “Mack the Knife,”
An interview with Colonel Klink,
Perhaps a Single YouTube Link
About a gay Samoan quilter.
Damn, I love my [...]
The Texas Board of Ed’s decreed
that every kid in class
Should learn about how sunlight shone
from Ronald Reagan’s ass.
Despite that commie FDR
we kicked the Nazis’ buns,
And Jesus wrote the Bill of Rights
so we could keep our guns!
The kids don’t have to be too bright
To get the answers ultra-right!