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Monthly Archives: December 2009

Static Eleatic

I knew a man Parmenides Who never moved a muscle. He stayed in bed like someone dead. He simply had no hustle. For subtle thought had formed in him A most peculiar notion. “Whatever is, cannot not be.” And that precluded motion. His wife would try to mend his ways (For frankly, she was pissed). [...]

A Day in the Life

Chillaxing on the sofa now, watching Biggest Loser. Now I’m at McGinty’s with my buddy Bill the Boozer. Cleaning out my earwax now, and now I’m on the shitter, Wondering why no one wants to follow me on Twitter.

Enlightenment

In stillness and tranquillity You contemplate the scene. Such imperturbability! You’re perfectly serene! Are you deep in meditation? Are you one with all creation? Well, forgive my agitation, But your goddamn light is green!

“Indefinite Hiatus”

To leave the game you love so well must feel like arrows through you. The lost endorsements must be hell, And yet that’s how they’ll do you. But as for us, except for dames Like Uchitel and Grubbs and James And Rist and some with unknown names, Tiger, we hardly knew you!

Easy Cheese!

Easy Cheese, Oh Easy Cheese, A burst of bliss in every squeeze! The way you top a cracker, every snacker is a fan! The subtle taste of benzoate And carrageenan concentrate, You’ve got it all included when extruded from the can! Easy Cheese, Oh Easy Cheese, What strange, unearthly properties! Behold your neon yellow! Even [...]

To the Good Folks at Blockbuster (And by Extension All Retailers)

I’m not some stingy Scrooge, okay? I give to the United Way. I dash off checks for Jerry’s kids And cures for cancer, AIDS and SIDS. But you’re a freaking rental store. Non-profit isn’t what you’re for! So please don’t ask if I will give To Help The Baby Otters Live, To Save The Slugs, [...]

What to Do with Junk E-Mail

You can set up a filter with folders to store it, Report the abuser or simply ignore it Or change your address.  Will it help?  No, it won’t. You’re spammed if you do and you’re spammed if you don’t!

Gym Rat

I sort of halfway know a guy whose name, I think, is Tim. As near as I can figure it, he’s ALWAYS at the gym. At five or six (my normal time) I’m sure to find him there Performing crunches, stretching out, or Mastering the Stair. And if perchance I go at noon, again I [...]

Block Head

Fred the Easter Island head Is boorish, rude and quite ill-bred. He belches loudly, snorts and spits. He shouts at tourists, “Show your tits!” He says, with total lack of class, “I’d cut one if I had an ass!” His neighbors wish that they were dead Instead of anchored next to Fred. To their complaints [...]

Sissy Suds

A pint of hearty ale or stout Improves most any drinking bout. A Heineken or Grolsch or Beck’s, As pleasures go, can rival sex! Those finely crafted microbrews Are kings among the nation’s booze. Yet some, who otherwise are bright, Prefer the dismal dreck called “light.” The barons of the brewing biz Infused some H2O [...]