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Monthly Archives: December 2009

A Decade so Lame, it Has No Name

The decade brought us countless fads: You Tube, Crocs and hanging chads, Hockey moms, the Wii and social media. It brought us subprime lending schemes, Keyboard Cat and other memes, 9-11, wars, and Wikipedia. Rampant unemployment fears, The ups and downs of Britney Spears, The bird flu and another known as “swine.” The “aughts” have [...]

A Pirate’s Song

Avast, ye scurvy sailin’ men, It’s time to wax piratic! So hoist the Jolly Roger! Grab your semi-automatic! From the gory Gulf of Aden We will rule the Arab Sea, For a bloody band of buccaneers we be, Yes we be, A bloody band of buccaneers we be! Every tanker weighin’ anchor, Every fisher trawlin’ [...]

Downhill Fast

The car that you’ve selected is the finest in its class. It’s fully fuel-injected, So it’s easy on the gas. It’s dependable and sturdy as a vehicle can be, Until it’s time to sell you the extended warranty! And then it seems the bogle belt is just about to go. The Vinson valve is weakening. [...]

Carol of the Bills

The holiday’s over, The money is spent And Visa’s demanding Its twenty percent. My palms have grown sweaty, My eye starts to twitch. My Christmas was merry, But payback’s a bitch!

Ho-Ho-Ohhhhh….

Take some Alka-Seltzer, Santa, Gaviscon and Maalox too. Pepto-Bismol and Mylanta, Gas-X tablets you can chew! Seven billion cakes and cookies Make a less-than-jolly elf. Such mistakes are made by rookies. Next year, learn to pace yourself! MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!!!

Season’s Shriekings

“They’re waging war on Christmas!” cries the blowhard on TV. “They’ll scuttle your Nativity, they’ll confiscate your tree! They’ll set your holly wreaths ablaze. They’ll torture anyone who prays. They’ll wish you ‘Happy Holidays’ because it’s more PC!” “They’re waging war on Christmas!” screams the prophet of the right. “They hate the baby Jesus, they’re [...]

The First Bad Christmas Gift

Gold and Frankincense and Myrrh? To whom would gifts like these occur For bringing to a child too young to prattle? Forgive me if I sermonize, But if those Men were truly Wise, I think they would have brought the boy a rattle!

Oy to the World

The strains of Bach and Handel make our spirits warm and bright. The First Noel’s a charming air, and so is Silent Night. But for jolly tunes and lyrics that will tickle and amuse, The merriest of Christmas songs are those composed by Jews! Berlin knocked out White Christmas by the light of his menorah, [...]

Year View Mirror 2009

This is the annual end-of-year verse I write for the Shoebox blog.  To see it with cool illustrations by several talented Shoebox artists, please go here.  In fact, go there anyway.  It’s where a lot of funny people post a lot of funny stuff. Year View Mirror The Year 2009 in Rhyme Let’s drink to [...]

There Ought to Be a Warning Label!

A fork in the toaster’s the act of a fool, For the damage you do could be drastic. It may be the only available tool, But you’ll just end up melting the plastic!