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Monthly Archives: December 2008

Santa’s Little Hecklers 2

FELIX casts an incantation Much to all the world’s dismay, Making every broadcast station Play the Drummer Boy all day. Illustration by Chris Harding

Santa’s Little Hecklers 1

The evil anti-Santa elves Are partners all in Yuletide crime. Their job is to amuse themselves By vexing us at Christmas time. Tiny TRIXIE, smug and smirky, Gets her jollies, grins and yuks Making sure no decent turkey Costs you less than eighty bucks.   Illustration by Chris Harding

Up On the Laptop, Click Click Click!

I’m going to Google Santa Claus. I’m going to Google him because He does a lot of kinky stuff   That common sense forbids. The hat, the sleigh, the biker beard All strike me as a little weird. I want to check him out before   I let him near the kids! I’m going to Google Santa [...]

Owner or Owned?

I’d like to do some reading    in the big upholstered chair. And yet I can’t disturb the cat.   He looks so cozy there! As friends have very often quipped, I’m well and truly kitty-whipped!  

Picture Imperfect

I think that Currier and Ives Led very tame and sheltered lives. In every cheerful winter scene The sky is bright, the snow pristine. You see no gray and grimy slush, No sleet to slow the evening rush, No nasty skidding episodes, No KIAs stranded off the roads. You just see brisk but sunny days [...]

Who’s Buying?

The merchants say the season’s slow, Perhaps the worst since ’33. So why, no matter where I go, Can I not find a freakin’ Wii?  

Lame “Duck!”

When Bush made an unannounced trip to Eye-rack, A native reporter was blowing his stack. Removing his Reebocks, he launched an attack   And missed by two inches or three. The president sidestepped the enemy fire, Responding with humor, not rancor or ire. But I’ve got to assume he concealed a desire   To let fly with [...]

The Peril of the Bells

Salvation Army Santa dude, I hear your guilt-inducing bell. Your gently judging attitude Is quite unnerving, truth to tell. I stuffed a kettle two blocks back, And yet you shame me anyhow. Perhaps you’d cut a guy  some slack? Oh, here’s a dollar!  Happy now?  

In Memoriam: Bettie Page

The bell has tolled for Bettie Page, The hottest vixen of her age. Of all the nation’s pin-up babes,   there wasn’t any cuter. Her fans from 1955 Exalt her if they’re still alive, Though now they need a little pill   before they can salute her!  

Body Language

My body’s craving donuts. The thickly frosted kind. A triple bacon burger too. The biggest I can find. It’s had a ton of cheesecake, But it wants another slice. “Listen to your body” Is absurdly bad advice!