Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Resolved: I’ll fight no grizzly bears,
Won’t climb the Matterhorn in Crocs.
I’ll have no hot but cheap affairs
With Kirsten Dunst and Megan Fox.
I won’t be pressured by my peers
To join the Crips or Rosicrucians.
And though I’ve failed in other years,
I may just keep these resolutions!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
The following year-end verse was written for the Shoebox Greetings blog, where you can see it complete with brilliant illustrations by humor artist Dick Daniels. Hope you enjoy it!
The year of ’08, without doubt or debate,
Was a bumpy and turbulent ride
From the stock market thing to the smog in Beijing
To the moment when Hillary cried.
We [...]
Monday, December 29, 2008
When I’m around, some people sneeze.
Their eyes swell up, they sniff and wheeze.
They seem a little ill at ease,
which only draws me close.
I like to jump upon their laps
And settle in for lengthy naps
Or groom myself. I think perhaps
it makes them less morose.
Besides, I find it lots of fun
To watch their noses twitch and run.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
If you’re looking for a wristwatch
that can fry your breakfast egg
Or a fine imported liverwurst
direct from Winnipeg
Or a musical decanter
for your festive Christmas nog,
You’ll find it in the pages
of the SkyMall catalogue!
It’s packed with fine inventions
that will make your life more pleasant,
From the pop-up hot dog cooker
to the fancy freeze-dried pheasant.
There’s the laser-guided soccer ball!
Authentic [...]
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Brutus murdered Hamlet
if my facts are not mistaken.
I’m sure that Bond would never take
his dry martini shaken.
The capital of Maine is Butte,
and twelve times twelve is plenty.
I kind of miss those brain cells
I destroyed when I was twenty!
Friday, December 26, 2008
By one day after Christmas
The merriment wears thin.
Relations bring up old regrets
Like childhood pranks and unpaid debts,
And after heated tete-a-tetes
Hostilities begin.
The leading folklore experts say
That’s why they call it Boxing Day.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
I wasn’t always fat, you know.
As all my ancient icons show,
I used to be a lean and wiry bloke.
The cookies left by every tot
May seem the culprit, yet they’re not.
The blame lies most decidedly with Coke!
Their advertisers undertook
To give St. Nick a plumper look,
So now I’m quite the porker, sad but true.
Now Coca-Cola’s on my [...]
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Once the Christmas season’s ended,
OTTO rears his nasty head,
Making sure you’ve apprehended
That you’re deeply in the red.
Illustration by Chris Harding
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
BARFI, as her name implies,
Will leave you queasy, weak and ill
When neighbors bring you mincemeat pies
And items more disgusting still.
Illustration by Chris Harding
Monday, December 22, 2008
Once it’s time for present-shipping,
XERXES demonstrates his powers.
Soon your sanity is slipping,
For you’ve waited twenty hours.
Illustration by Chris Harding