Sunday, November 30, 2008
The season has arrived with all its stresses.
I’ll have to face the yearly shopping spree.
I don’t remember all my friends’ addresses
Or where I stored the artificial tree.
I haven’t started decking halls with holly
Or setting up a festive light display.
So how can I be jubilant and jolly
With Christmas only three damn weeks away?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Free Rice Dot Com has taught me much
through error and frustration.
A heartwood extract’s known as “cutch.”
A kolk’s an eddy (from the Dutch).
I’m going to say “dudeen” and such
in daily conversation.
So word by word and grain by grain
I feed the world and stuff my brain!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Today I hope that teeming throngs
Are buying laptops, big TVs,
Gaming consoles, lacy thongs,
Assorted sausages and cheese.
To bolster our economy,
I hope the malls are really hopping.
But let’s be honest. As for me,
I’m thankful that I’m not out shopping!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Our verrye first Thanksgivinge meal
Turned out to be a grimme ordeal.
Ye turkye came out toughe and dry.
Standish hogged ye pumpkin pye.
Bradford was a perfecte asse,
Copping feeles and passing gasse.
Shortlye Massasoit and Squanto
Bothe got pissed and passed out pronto.
To some these may seeme harmless prankes,
But I shall not be givinge thanks!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
My shower had a leak
And my plumbing skills are weak,
So I knew I had to call a seasoned pro.
Today I think the plumber
Will be purchasing a Hummer
After flushing out the last of all my dough.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
A Diet Pepsi, Coke or Sprite
Is harmless — so they claim.
But truth to tell, I’ve never quite
Been sold on Aspartame.
Perhaps it’s safe. I have no clues.
But still, I think I’ll stick to booze.
Monday, November 24, 2008
“Women, who are pregnant,
shouldn’t use the thermal tub.”
So reads the helpful warning
at the local fitness club.
So every woman everywhere
is soon to be a mama?
Unless that’s what you meant to say,
then LEARN TO USE A COMMA!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I’m shackled here through storm and drought.
An eagle pecks my liver out
And leaves the gaping wound all raw and oozing.
But though I’m racked with searing pain,
The thing that drives me clear insane
Is total lack of anything amusing.
I’ve never seen a Super Bowl.
I missed the twist and rock & roll,
The films of Brando, Garbo, even Grable.
So [...]
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I’ve had my share of wandering.
I’ve been to Greece and Spain.
I’ve seen the sights of Portland
both in Oregon and Maine.
I’ve been to Rome and Florence
and I plan to see Oaxaca.
But I still can’t help but snicker
when I hear “Lake Titicaca.”
Friday, November 21, 2008
Marmaduke is still around
and so’s The Family Circus.
Blondie, though she’s old and gray,
has stayed around to irk us.
Hagar’s jokes are Horrible
while Dennis bores us daily.
And boot camp has to be more fun
than reading Beetle Bailey!
“B.C.” suggests the latest time
the strip was sharp and clever.
It’s weird how “funny” often dies,
but “funnies” live forever!