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Monthly Archives: November 2008

Ho-Ho-Holy Crap!

The season has arrived with all its stresses. I’ll have to face the yearly shopping spree. I don’t remember all my friends’ addresses Or where I stored the artificial tree. I haven’t started decking halls with holly Or setting up a festive light display. So how can I be jubilant and jolly With Christmas only [...]

Whole Brain Goodness

Free Rice Dot Com has taught me much   through error and frustration. A heartwood extract’s known as “cutch.” A kolk’s an eddy (from the Dutch). I’m going to say “dudeen” and such   in daily conversation. So word by word and grain by grain I feed the world and stuff my brain!    

My Black Friday Wish

Today I hope that teeming throngs Are buying laptops, big TVs, Gaming consoles, lacy thongs, Assorted sausages and cheese. To bolster our economy, I hope the malls are really hopping. But let’s be honest.  As for me, I’m thankful that I’m not out shopping!  

Excerpt from a Pilgrim’s Diary, 1621

Our verrye first Thanksgivinge meal Turned out to be a grimme ordeal. Ye turkye came out toughe and dry. Standish hogged ye pumpkin pye. Bradford was a perfecte asse, Copping feeles and passing gasse. Shortlye Massasoit and Squanto Bothe got pissed and passed out pronto. To some these may seeme harmless prankes, But I shall [...]

Water Torture

My shower had a leak And my plumbing skills are weak,   So I knew I had to call a seasoned pro. Today I think the plumber Will be purchasing a Hummer    After flushing out the last of all my dough.    

Naming My Poison

A Diet Pepsi, Coke or Sprite Is harmless — so they claim. But truth to tell, I’ve never quite Been sold on Aspartame. Perhaps it’s safe.  I have no clues. But still, I think I’ll stick to booze.  

Grammatical Gripe #3

“Women, who are pregnant,   shouldn’t use the thermal tub.” So reads the helpful warning   at the local fitness club. So every woman everywhere   is soon to be a mama? Unless that’s what you meant to say,   then LEARN TO USE A COMMA!  

Prometheus Bored

I’m shackled here through storm and drought. An eagle pecks my liver out   And leaves the gaping wound all raw and oozing. But though I’m racked with searing pain, The thing that drives me clear insane   Is total lack of anything amusing. I’ve never seen a Super Bowl. I missed the twist and rock & [...]

The Sophomoric Tourist

I’ve had my share of wandering.   I’ve been to Greece and Spain. I’ve seen the sights of Portland   both in Oregon and Maine. I’ve been to Rome and Florence   and I plan to see Oaxaca. But I still can’t help but snicker   when I hear “Lake Titicaca.”   

Old Comics Never Die

Marmaduke is still around   and so’s The Family Circus. Blondie, though she’s old and gray,   has stayed around to irk us. Hagar’s jokes are Horrible   while Dennis bores us daily. And boot camp has to be more fun   than reading Beetle Bailey! “B.C.” suggests the latest time   the strip was sharp and clever. It’s weird [...]