Cadmus
The naked bones of Cadmus Jones
lie peaceful in his crypt.
He mourns his fate, for he was once
robust and well-equipped.
Yet hope still springs eternal
in this sorriest of men.
He dreams that with Viagra,
his bones may rise again.
Illustration by Chris Harding
Monstrous Marriage
Milton Henry Cyclops
and Amanda June, his wife,
Anticipating married bliss,
had forty years of strife.
They had the best intentions,
but no matter how they’d try,
They never quite acquired the knack
for seeing eye to eye.
Illustration by Chris Harding
Dave
Dave is quite the Casanova,
Tall and handsome, lean and tan.
Cool, disarming, suave and charming,
Like a perfect ladies’ man.
Players often like them young,
But not our more discerning Dave.
Never one to rob the cradle,
He prefers to rob the grave!
Illustration by Chris Harding
Nancy
Nancy was the haunted kind.
She had a strangely tortured mind.
She dwelled in cancer, AIDS, Ebola;
The ill effects of Coca-Cola;
The horrors on her TV screen;
The future cost of gasoline;
The conflicts on the global stage;
The weakness sure to come with age.
At length her mind was so obsessed,
She couldn’t get a moment’s rest.
And so she had her head [...]
Morty
Morty the mummy is quick with a curse.
But when he’s out driving, it gets even worse.
An hour on the freeway will give him conniptions.
(A common complaint among undead Egyptians.)
He glares at the speeders with venom and scorn.
He swears at the slowpokes while pounding his horn.
“Get moving!” he bellows. ”Come on, look alive!”
He’s frequently heard yelling, [...]
Boris
Boris runs a small café
For those whose tastes are très outré.
They pay top dollar just to eat
His fine, exotic cuts of meat.
Their appetites are strange but hearty.
Table for the Donner party!
Illustration by Chris Harding
A wise man said that Hollywood
has often tried to mix
The glam and glitz of show biz
with the art of politics.
But really, who’s persuaded
by a Brangelina quote?
I’m awed by Bono’s music,
but he doesn’t rock my vote!
I’ve never sought the punditry
of Grumpy, Doc or Dopey.
But now at last I’ve seen the light.
I’ll cast my vote with Opie!
Intending to be tongue-in-cheek and droll
(For every laugh’s a feather in my cap),
I wrote about the toilet paper roll
And evidently caused a major flap!
Fomenting discord never was my goal.
Who knew that people really gave a crap?
There’s over and there’s under; neither’s wrong.
Now brothers, can’t we all just get along?
Listen up, you philistines,
it’s time you heard the truth.
You need to get some culture
so you won’t be so uncouth!
Just follow these instructions
to avoid a social blunder:
Install the bathroom tissue
so the paper comes from under!
The maverick’s looking testy now.
He grits his teeth and fidgets,
Observing that Obama’s lead
has grown to double digits.
And yet his slams will still persist.
He’ll point his finger, pound his fist
And call Barack a terrorist,
assuming that we’re idjits!