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Category Archives: Confessions

Old Grads

My former roommate’s filthy rich. His stocks are on the rise. The guy we nicknamed Bonerpants has won the Nobel Prize. The Airhead wrote a novel with an innovative twist that’s Number One in fiction on the Times bestseller list. That pompous ass from English is a star of stage and screen. Sweet Jesus, how [...]

A Real Cutup

I’m sure it’s fun to throw your voice, But frankly, if I had a choice, I’d learn a rarer, subtler art By which I’d deftly throw my fart! My bottom belch would seem to boom From far across a crowded room. I’d let it rip with careless glee, And heads would turn, but not toward [...]

It’s Not What It Looks Like!

I try to recycle whenever I can, And that makes me look like a hard-drinking man. For the bottles mount up through a month or a year, Till it looks like I’m living on wine and on beer! You’d think I had Guinness for breakfast each day, Then a lager for lunch, or a light [...]

Perpetual Beginner

I know my chords from A to G, Though sadly, they don’t always stick. If I can practice faithfully, Perhaps some day I’ll finger pick. I’ve learned “A-Hunting We Will Go” And “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” And soon I’ll be that guy you know Who kinda, sorta plays guitar.

Peace of Mind

Farmers have their crop insurance, Coverage for drought or hail. I could use some joke insurance. Then I’d fear no Humor Fail! When the sudden, mocking silence let me know my line was lame, When the crickets started chirping, Then I’d simply file a claim. Maybe I would bomb on purpose. “You from Joisey?” “Take [...]

Better Living Through Genetics!

Whenever I eat cheesy fries Or nacho chips or Cheerios, A little voice inside me cries, “You know you’re eating GMOs!” My sandwich bread makes herbicide. My coffee keeps the bugs away. My peanut butter’s modified With pterodactyl DNA! My cantaloupes have turtle feet, My meats and veggies recombine. They say we all are what [...]

Cybertopia

When Google Fiber comes to town, I’ll be one happy dude. The kittehs will be cuter And the hotties twice as nude! Then Twitter will be trouble-free, We’ll all have Facebook privacy, And YouTube movies in 3-D Will instantly be viewed! I’ll never set my laptop down Once Google Fiber comes to town!

My Idol

I wish that I were Honey Badger, Rough and rugged, wild and free. Munching cobras, fighting jackals, What a badass I would be! Sadly, I’m a lowly human, Full of worries, fears and doubts. Is my mortgage underwater? Should I eat more Brussels sprouts? Will the price of gas keep rising? Will it be Barack [...]

Dr. Seuss on Public Radio

I do not like that dreadful show. I would not listen, no, no, NO! I would not listen in my car. I would not listen at a bar. I would not listen out at sea, In Rome, Berlin, or Kankakee! I would not listen night or noon. I would not listen on the moon! I [...]

Brave, Not Dumb!

I will not walk on red-hot coals. It’s not among my lifetime goals. To make my self-esteem complete, I feel no need to grill my feet! Perhaps I’ll run a marathon Or maybe get my base jump on. I’ll rope an angry crocodile, Escape from tanks Houdini-style! I’ll run with bulls at San Fermín. I’ll [...]