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Category Archives: Confessions

Weekend Plans

On Saturday, I told myself, I’d have a little time. I’d rid my house of clutter and my bathroom sink of slime. I’d make that run to Costco for the Q-Tips I’ve been needing. I’d write my magnum opus, or at least I’d do some reading. I’d return the books and videos I borrowed back [...]

Small Dreams

I want to be a wannabe. For that I’m up to par. I’ve made my goals attainable By lowering the bar. I’ll call myself a cowboy ‘Cause I’ve got a dandy hat. I may not be a surgeon, But I’m great at yelling, “Stat!” I’m gonna be a wannabe, I’m certain that I can. And [...]

Signifying Nothing

The political muse has been known to infuse me with verses both sharp and satirical. When conditions are right, I can scale a new height and my doggerel borders on lyrical. When I’m feeling ambitious, my brain gets malicious and sets me more modest parameters. So there’s nothing to do but to open a brew [...]

Game of Groans

There’s a puzzle called the Cryptoquip. I’m not its biggest fan. I solve it with my morning Joe or sometimes in the can. I don’t know why I bother. It’s a vexing thing to do. For once I’ve worked the answer out, it makes me want to spew! The wordplay’s so atrocious that it absolutely [...]

Anxious Thoughts

I think I need an antidote For daily worries, cares and stress. I think a good, inspiring quote Is just a start, no more, no less. I think that in a tipsy state, I’d just relax and have a ball. Or else I’ll learn to meditate, And simply have no thoughts at all.

Un-Fortunate

When the fortune cookie tells me To be careful what I spend, That I make my parents happy, That a dog’s a faithful friend, That I ought to think of failure As a chance to move ahead, I admit I’m being touchy, But I hate to add, “In bed!”

Sheer Agony

Dental hygienist, I beg of you, please. Desist from your torture! I’m down on my knees! Your gum-slashing instruments cause me no pain, But your well-meaning chit chat could drive me insane! “So whatcha been up to? Been busy, I bet! Got plans for the weekend? Do you have a pet? You planning to go [...]

Stranger in a Strange Land

The godless spouse on Rosh Hashanah Sits in shul, demure and meek. Rises with the congregation. Reads the words, but doesn’t speak. Fixes his unruly kippah, Thinking, “Is it getting hot?” Here’s the part where all are singing. Should he daven? Maybe not. Makes it through the lengthy sermon, Dozing only once or twice. Counts [...]

Killer Wheels

I want to buy a Batmobile to cruise around the city. I’ll make those sweet Pirellis squeal while blasting raps by Fitty. The speed alone will be a kick. My friends will say, “Your ride looks sick!” I’ll sure as hell impress that chick who dresses like a kitty! I’ll buzz that dorky Man of [...]

The Non-Anxiety of Influence

Dear reader, no, you’re not in error Seeing rhymes that echo Lehrer. Sentiments that seem much darker, Those I cribbed from Dorothy Parker. Yes, that sick and twisted story Has its roots in Edward Gorey. Jobs was on the mark, I feel: Good ones copy, great ones steal!