So what the hell happened, Ms. Thomas?
What compelled you to open your mouth?
Just what were you thinking or smoking or drinking
That caused your career to go south?
The pundits are blogging, Ms. Thomas,
And the flame wars aren’t likely to cease.
If you’re ever to get out of this one,
You’ll need your own road map to peace!
Alas for Al and Tipper.
They lasted forty years,
Through Nixon and the Gipper,
Through SALT and “Billy” beers.
They displayed some ardent kissing,
As a loving couple should.
But in marriage, something’s missing
When a stiff guy loses wood.
According to a recent study,
Tanning beds cause melanoma.
Also, marshes may be muddy.
Tulsans live in Oklahoma.
Kitty cats are fond of salmon.
Titles often start with “The.”
Years of drought can lead to famine.
Cancer risk? Well, freakin’ d-uh!!!
A TV chef in Italy
Was sacked in seconds flat
When he aired an ancient recipe
For tasty Tuscan cat.
Now me, I love a hearty ziti,
But please, signore — hold the kitti!
I’d likely meet a stripper
With the body of a troll
Or a Bible-thumping Jesus freak
Who’s out to save my soul,
A goth with too much attitude,
A biker dude who’s well tattooed
And fat and drunk and bare-ass nude
Upon the toilet bowl!
How wasted would I have to get
To try my luck at Chat Roulette?
Monday, February 22, 2010
An Olympian named Scotty
Caused a scandal in Vancouver
When he let a local hottie
Give his bronze the Happy Hoover.
Though the champions of our nations
Should behave with more respect,
Still it’s hard to fight temptations
When your lanyard is erect!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Lindsey Vonn, Lindsey Vonn,
You have got it going on!
You’re superbly inspirational to see!
You can strike a perfect pose
With a minimum of clothes,
And from what I’m hearing, you can even ski!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
My brakes went out in Georgia
And I cursed my evil luck.
When I hit the Carolinas
My accelerator stuck!
My air bag went kablooey
Up in Philly, Pennsylvania,
Then my engine stalled in Pittsburgh.
(And believe me, that’ll pain ya!)
I threw a rod in Iowa
Just south of Minnesota.
Okay, I guess it serves me right
For buying a Toyota!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I’m nuts about Factory Farmville!
It’s a game where the fun never stops.
To begin, all you need
Is some chemical feed
From genetically modified crops!
The livestock in Factory Farmville
Are confined in the best of conditions.
Who cares if the smell
Is like hog turds from hell
If you’ve greased all the right politicians?
There are gifts you can give to your neighbors,
Like [...]
(With apologies to Nat King Cole)
Leonardo, Leonardo, they have named you
As the model for the lady with the smile.
Was it lust for bending gender that inflamed you,
Or was wearing frilly dresses just your style?
Were you out to prank your buddies, Leonardo?
Did you lose a bet while on a drinking jag?
Were you fey, as they say, [...]