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Category Archives: Historical Figures

Little Big Man

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Tell us, Little Caesar,
For we’re keen to hear it all.
Did you war with Little Pompey?
Did you conquer Little Gaul?
In Little Alexandria,
Were orgies hot and sweet,
And was Little Cleopatra
What you’d call a three-meat treat?
We’ve searched the ancient annals,
But the answers still elude us.
Were you murdered in the Senate
By your buddy Little Brutus?
Did you unify an empire
Of [...]

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A Professor’s Retort

Friday, June 11, 2010

Dear student, you have not done well.
The reason why I’ll gladly tell.
Your brain is soft as bechamel,
With all the smarts of Liquid Prell.
Your grammar’s weak, you cannot spell.
Your essays absolutely smell.
Quite frankly, you can go to hell!
Yours sincerely,
Dr. Fell
 

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Band of Lovers

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The ancient Spartan soldier
was the lion of his day.
He was battle-tough, superbly buff,
intrepid, bold, and gay!
The elders knew a man would not
desert his battle station,
Abandoning his one and only
partner in fellation.
The law was quite explicit,
not ambiguous or hazy.
They didn’t ask, they didn’t tell.
They simply screwed like crazy!

Filed in Historical Figures, Politics | Comments (2)

The Passing of Le Petomane

Friday, April 2, 2010

Le Petomane was old and weak.
His time had come to pass.
His zip had left him, so to speak,
For he was out of gas.
“C’est tout!” cried out his entourage.
“Monsieur has cut his last fromage!
Ah, zut alors!  Ah, quel dommage!”
Which is to say, “Alas!”
And next a thousand tears were shed,
For he was silent now, and dead.

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Artsy-Fartsy

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Le Petomane, Le Petomane,
You never failed to entertain!
From Italy to France and Spain
You always filled the hall.
With perfect skill and expertise
You’d cut the least offensive cheese.
You’d need no beans to act out scenes
From “Fruit: The Musical!”
Le Petomane, Le Petomane,
Without the slightest sign of strain
You’d imitate a whistling train
Or warbling violin.
Your versatility of toot
Could echo the [...]

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Mad Monk

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Rasputin ate some gluten
in a bite of Russian bread,
And before the day was over
he was batty in the head.
He dressed in women’s underwear.
He smoked a lead cigar.
He diddled Alexandra
and he tried to pork the Tsar!
The Romanovs were doomed,
for he was crazy sure as shootin’.
What a bane for all of Russia
when Rasputin ate some gluten!

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It’s Bad to Be the King

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

What misery is on display
From Tutankhamun’s DNA!
It seems that life for poor King Tut
Was royal pain in royal butt!
His foot was clubbed, his palate cleft,
His gait was awkward, not too deft,
His bod was scrawny and malarial.
At least he had an awesome burial!

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A Beautiful Dream

Monday, January 18, 2010

Valleys exalted, mountains made low,
Waters of justice that rush and flow
Like a mighty river or gushing spring,
This was the dream of Doctor King.
Righteousness rolling in thundering waves
That the sons of owners and sons of slaves
Together might work and pray and sing,
This was the dream of Doctor King.
Peace triumphant, discord stayed,
America’s promise fully paid.
From every mountain, [...]

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Static Eleatic

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I knew a man Parmenides
Who never moved a muscle.
He stayed in bed like someone dead.
He simply had no hustle.
For subtle thought had formed in him
A most peculiar notion.
“Whatever is, cannot not be.”
And that precluded motion.
His wife would try to mend his ways
(For frankly, she was pissed).
His perfect silence answered back,
“But change cannot exist!”
But in his [...]

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