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Category Archives: Historical Figures

Zeno’s Excuse

To make my way to gym from chair, I first must travel halfway there. If chair is A and gym is C, I’ll have to get halfway to B! The stages then become so small, I logically can’t move at all. So here I sit, in shorts and socks. By Zeus, I love a paradox!

The Thinking Man’s Drink

There was scintillating brilliance in the era of Voltaire. The spark of the Enlightenment was somehow in the air. The philosophes would gather in a neighborhood café, Where they’d then proceed to jack their brains on fifty cups a day! They were scientists and thinkers, intellectual machines! And they owed it to the potion from [...]

Attic Antics

Though Plato’s rad Academy admittedly was cool, Aristotle’s sweet Lyceum was the bigger party school! There were bacchanals and orgies where they’d drink their vessels dry. There was horny dialectic with the babes of Delta Pi! They would moon the rhetoricians. They were impudent and lewd. “Symposium!” they’d holler, which is Greek for “Party, dude!” [...]

Betting Man

Pascal was quite the wagerer. From Monaco to Reno He was known at every racetrack, Every fly-by-night casino. He would make the wildest poker bets The world had ever seen. He would take a hit at blackjack When his cards showed seventeen! When he lost his shirt at baccarat, He didn’t take it hard, But [...]

Little Big Man

Tell us, Little Caesar, For we’re keen to hear it all. Did you war with Little Pompey? Did you conquer Little Gaul? In Little Alexandria, Were orgies hot and sweet, And was Little Cleopatra What you’d call a three-meat treat? We’ve searched the ancient annals, But the answers still elude us. Were you murdered in [...]

A Professor’s Retort

Dear student, you have not done well. The reason why I’ll gladly tell. Your brain is soft as bechamel, With all the smarts of Liquid Prell. Your grammar’s weak, you cannot spell. Your essays absolutely smell. Quite frankly, you can go to hell! Yours sincerely, Dr. Fell  

Band of Lovers

The ancient Spartan soldier was the lion of his day. He was battle-tough, superbly buff, intrepid, bold, and gay! The elders knew a man would not desert his battle station, Abandoning his one and only partner in fellation. The law was quite explicit, not ambiguous or hazy. They didn’t ask, they didn’t tell. They simply [...]

The Passing of Le Petomane

Le Petomane was old and weak. His time had come to pass. His zip had left him, so to speak, For he was out of gas. “C’est tout!” cried out his entourage. “Monsieur has cut his last fromage! Ah, zut alors!  Ah, quel dommage!” Which is to say, “Alas!” And next a thousand tears were [...]

Artsy-Fartsy

Le Petomane, Le Petomane, You never failed to entertain! From Italy to France and Spain You always filled the hall. With perfect skill and expertise You’d cut the least offensive cheese. You’d need no beans to act out scenes From “Fruit: The Musical!” Le Petomane, Le Petomane, Without the slightest sign of strain You’d imitate [...]

Mad Monk

Rasputin ate some gluten in a bite of Russian bread, And before the day was over he was batty in the head. He dressed in women’s underwear. He smoked a lead cigar. He diddled Alexandra and he tried to pork the Tsar! The Romanovs were doomed, for he was crazy sure as shootin’. What a [...]