Skip to content

Category Archives: Peeves

A Rhymester’s Lament

For seventeen years I’ve been doggedly rhyming. I’ve worked on perfecting my rhythm and timing. I’ve written in anapests, iambs and trochees For various readers from scholars to Okies! I’ve memorized Seuss for his wit and his beat. I’ve sat at Shel Silverstein’s metrical feet! I’ve tried to be clever and sometimes profound. And what [...]

Workout Woe

I hate the gym in January! Fighting crowds is extra hard When every Tom and Dick and Harry, Every Marsha, Meg and Mary, Every Curly, Moe and Larry Vows to shed that Christmas lard!  It’s better once a month rolls by And all their resolutions die.  

To the Driver who Got to the Four-Way Stop First

Dude, don’t try to be a saint. You think you’re being nice?  You ain’t! You wave me on, but here I stay. Just take the freaking right of way!  

TV Worth Ignoring

In sitcoms of the seventies Obnoxious blended families   Had smiling, singing teens and lovely ladies.  But now the stuff that’s on TV, This fluff they call “reality”   Out-cheeses both the Partridges and Bradys!  

Retail Revolution

To all you merchants hawking goods   from DVDs to spices: You’re hacking off your customers,   so here’s what my advice is. I know you’re dense in this regard, But listen up.  It’s not so hard. Forget the stupid discount card   and give us decent prices!  

Tele-Torture

To hear all options, please press one. Then press the pound sign just for fun. For cheesy tunes, try pressing nine Or five (another music line). To give yourself a change of pace, For español opprima seis! For senseless, random beeps, press four. Press eight to sit and wait some more. To hear this list [...]

To All My 40,000 Friends

The fifteen hundredth online drink   begins to taste like spam. I’m really not that keen to learn   what candy bar I am. It seems I’m spending half my day   deleting invitations. Let’s call a moratorium   on Facebook applications!  

Out-of-Proportion Portions

When you’re ordering sodas or hot pizza pies Or iced cappuccinos or burgers and fries At a pricey café or some stall in the mall, It’s utterly weird how you can’t get a Small! You can get a Colossal, an All-You-Can-Eat, A Super-Humongous Gargantuan Treat, A Twenty-Times-Venti, a Size-of-Saint-Paul, But try as you might, you [...]

Fickle Fruit

They’re either too tart   or a little too mellow. They’re greener than green   or they’re way beyond yellow! They’re just past their prime   or they’re close, but not quite. Bananas are never just right!