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Category Archives: Peeves

Joker’s Reviled

Big playa in the Hold ‘Em game, Your strategy’s insanely lame. Kid Bingo ought to be your name! Your long shots never stop. You’re famous as the King of Clods The way you tempt the poker gods. You go all in against all odds Before you’ve seen the flop! Your royal flush then beats my [...]

On the Last Guy to Use This Urinal

Some dude has high hostility, Dementia or senility, Perhaps a disability, Or else he’s in a rush. It could be insobriety, A lack of all propriety, But though I wish he’d try it, he Can never seem to flush!

Listen Up, Retailer!

I don’t need any gift cards Or a chance to win a prize. I don’t need brownies, batteries Or other impulse buys. This isn’t where I donate To the Mayor’s Midnight Hoops, The Restless Leg Society Or Teacups for the Troops. But I can suggest a service That would give me satisfaction. I give you [...]

Sic Transit

I recall a time when flying wasn’t such a huge ordeal. It was organized and civilized, I’d even say genteel. But now security alone has rendered me a wreck. I’ve got half a foot of butt room and I’m sitting next to Shrek! They’ve just run out of snacks, and it’s a seven-hour flight. I’d [...]

Your Call Is Impotent To Us

Press One for billing inquiries. For new accounts, press Eighty. To hear this list en español, Please presiona siete. To hear Vivaldi once again, Press any key, then star. To spend more time in menu hell, Press F-U-B-A-R!

Theater Rule Number 1

My fellow moviegoer, You can shake your popcorn bag, You can rattle Duds or Raisinettes, I promise not to nag. You can rest your feet on seat backs, You can even use your phone. You can cop a boorish attitude And hoot when actresses get nude. Just leave a space between us, dude, I need [...]

To Rubenesque Pool Lady

You don’t know me; I don’t know you. We simply share the health club pool. We’ve both an extra pound or two, So let’s observe a simple rule. Since you’re well-padded ’round the glutes And I’m no statue by Bernini, I won’t wear skin-tight Speedo suits If you won’t wear a string bikini!

That Number Again Is…

On NPR this time of year A chatty pledge drive volunteer Reminds us that it’s time to make donations. He’s full of praise for Story Corps, World Cafe and Tell Me More, The shows you just don’t get on other stations! He lists the latest donors’ names, Wanda, William, Jenna, James, And rarely can you [...]

Road Outrage

When cruising on the Interstate, The guy I most abominate Is that obnoxious S.O.B. Who tries to pass at 70, Thus giving me no end of pain By blocking up the left-hand lane And breeding hatred in my soul By screwing up my cruise control!

Leap of Logic

An everyday cliché ignores this scientific datum: A quantum leap is tiny. It occurs inside an atom! So when you need a metaphor For distance, please recall, If you “take a quantum leap ahead,” you haven’t moved at all!