Wednesday, August 25, 2010
If I had never done a thing
Resulting in reproach and shame,
Had never had a sordid fling
Or cheated in a poker game
Or looked at dirty magazines
Or uttered “Damn!” or something worse,
Then I could be Miss Philippines,
But wouldn’t make Miss Universe!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger,
The Right’s beloved messenger,
You’ve lately been a target of abuse.
You dropped the bomb that starts with N,
Repeated it ten times again,
And thought, “It’s nice to have a good excuse!”
You whine because you’ve taken heat,
Except for Mama Grizzly’s tweet.
The LSM has got you in its sights.
But you’re simply, if you’re asking me,
An F-ing word-that-starts-with-C.
(I’ve [...]
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I’m Badass Blagojevich! Baby, I’m free!
No rinky-dink prison could ever hold me!
They couldn’t convict. I’m as good as acquitted
Of all but just one of the crimes I committed!
I’ll beat ‘em despite all their sound and their fury,
As long as one moron is picked for the jury!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
It was on the ninth of August. He’d been up since very early.
The cabin was oppressive and the passengers were surly.
But little did they know as they descended from the sky
That soon they’d feel the wrath of Angry Flight Attendant Guy!
Confronted by a bitchy type, he chewed the dame a new one.
(If he hadn’t had [...]
Friends, do you have dysentery,
Typhoid fever, beriberi,
Strep, e. coli, measles, mumps,
Strange, unnerving cystic lumps,
Gonorrhea, syphilis,
The heartbreak of psoriasis,
Lyme disease, the plague, rubella,
Shingles, jaundice, salmonella,
Flu, ebola, meningitis,
Spasms rivaling St. Vitus,
Whooping cough and puking jags?
You should have washed your grocery bags!
A commander must be disciplined,
Resisting all temptation
To spill remarks which might amount
To insubordination.
A single careless word may lead
To loss of rank and glory.
We seek a penalty fifty fold,
We seek a penalty fifty fold,
We seek a penalty fifty fold
For General Stanley’s story!
(Tip of the quill to Karen Deal Robinson for providing the punch line for this [...]
When lightning levels Jesus,
It leads to pain and grief.
The event may well displease us
And almost strain belief!
From such a freak occurrence
The questions raised are odd.
Does Jesus have insurance
Against an act of God?
If Bob the Builder ran BP,
No crude would now befoul the sea.
He’d plug that pesky leak but good!
Could he fix it? Yes, he could!
He’d confidently get it done
And find a way to make it fun!
But sadly, there’s no trace of Bob.
Homer Simpson’s on the job!
One nation gave us Sophocles,
The Parthenon and feta cheese,
A model for democracies.
For that we give it praise.
But now it’s racked with crushing debts.
It’s rumored on the Internets
Investors’ fears and deep regrets
will drain our IRAs!
No comfort comes from Aristotle.
I think it’s time to hoist the bottle!
We’re America’s oil men, our logo’s BP.
We’re keeping this land independent and free!
When the crude is offshore, it’s our duty to tap it.
And some day we’re planning to learn how to cap it!
Now spills are bad news. We’re as worried as you.
(We like our Filet-O-Fish sandwiches too!)
But still we need gas for our Hummers and [...]