The temperature’s a hundred two.
I feel like I’m on fire.
It seems there’s little left to do
But crank the AC higher,
Releasing extra greenhouse gas
And heat the world to cool my ass.
The roof needs replacing,
The plumbing is leaky,
There’s mold in the walls
And the floorboards are creaky.
The wiring is faulty.
The overhead flashes.
A house is a thief,
And it knows where your cash is!
I’m trying to hide from my neighbor,
Though it’s slightly neurotic behavior.
For once we’re together,
He’ll chat about weather,
Then share a few thoughts on our Savior.
I avoid him like yesterday’s coffee,
Like rancid roast beef or salami.
So I’ll slip round the edge
Of this nicely-placed hedge,
Then into my hou– Crap, he saw me!
I’m a cretin, a dolt and a fool!
In my desperate attempt to stay cool,
I’m plunging right in
Where the kiddies have been,
And I know what they do in the pool!
My mechanic says my fleegle joints
Are just about to go.
My prog nuts need replacing,
Which is serious, you know!
My gribbers are furshmickled
And my spiffons all need collars,
Which explains why every time I drive,
I leak a thousand dollars!
He says I need a blorger
And a new McClellan fan.
Well, what the hell do I know?
So I guess I’ll pay [...]
The Interstate is oh, so long,
The coffee plentiful and strong,
And though my swelling bladder’s weak,
There’s little time to take a leak.
The scenery goes whizzing by.
(If it can whiz, then why can’t I?)
Alas, to think what I’d be fined
For leaving trucker bombs behind!
Press One for billing inquiries.
For new accounts, press Eighty.
To hear this list en español,
Please presiona siete.
To hear Vivaldi once again,
Press any key, then star.
To spend more time in menu hell,
Press F-U-B-A-R!
Those fancy new ellipticals
With TV sets installed
Have changed my fitness regimen.
I’m thoroughly enthralled!
My intense aerobic workout
Is complete before it starts.
I tune in Beck or Hannity –
My heart rate’s off the charts!
Informer, adviser, community-shaper,
I mourn the demise of the old-fashioned paper.
It uses up trees and the ink often runs,
But you can’t line a bird cage with zeros and ones!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Bill drank his Budweiser.
Jan sipped chablis.
He watched “Survivor”
while she preferred “Glee.”
They listened to music
on two different stations.
And that’s how the Browns
spent their separate staycations.