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Category Archives: Health and Fitness

Zeno’s Excuse

To make my way to gym from chair, I first must travel halfway there. If chair is A and gym is C, I’ll have to get halfway to B! The stages then become so small, I logically can’t move at all. So here I sit, in shorts and socks. By Zeus, I love a paradox!

Hot Fitness Trend

In the far northeastern states, Some are fond of lifting weights, While a few prefer aerobics when they train. But for hardy exercising That’ll get their heart rates rising, Well, they really love their Zumba up in Maine! They never train alone, And they often grunt and groan, Though they seem to get their gain [...]

Black Market

Bloomberg’s brought back prohibition! Jumbo drinks are now taboo! Crooks and mugs are on a mission, Brewing bathtub Mountain Dew! Need some hefty Coca-Colas? Mr. Pibb, the drink of sin? Go out back to Joe Carolla’s. Knock three times, he’ll let you in. Sunkist sells like liquid crack. There’s Sprite for those who’ve got the [...]

Death By Sugar

The nation’s growing more obese, As scientists and doctors warn. They’ve notified the health police Of Oreos with candy corn! Their color’s got a neon glow. They’re packed with sugar by the ton. Their fiber content’s extra low, And no one ever eats just one! The CDC is quite alarmed. They’ve issued warnings all must [...]

Dual Personality

Morning Me, quite conscientious, Sticks to oatmeal, nuts and flax. But Evening Me is more licentious, Pounding down the nacho snacks. Ranch Doritos, Chee-tos, Fritos, Twinkies, Processed Cheddar Food, All washed down with large mojitos. Sorry, Morning Me, you’re screwed!

Deadly Habit

I rarely drink, I never smoke, I don’t do crack or crystal meth. It’s ages since I’ve had a toke. And yet, it seems I’m courting death! Of all the threats the experts cite, The worst, they say, is sitting still. The Inquisition got it right: The comfy chair will surely kill! I try to [...]

A Diet to Die For

I listened to my body, as the nature types advise. My body screamed for Pringles, Easy Cheese and curly fries. Creamy, rich alfredo sauce on Stouffer’s fettuccine, Spam and Rice-A-Roni, Dinty Moore and Beanie Weenie! Taco Bell Chalupas, triple Whoppers and McRib, The Colonel’s Extra Crispy with a jumbo Mr. Pibb! Twinkies, Ho-Ho’s, Ding-Dongs, Yodels, [...]

Great Grape

The experts say that red, red wine Will keep your health robust and fine. And so, to live another day, I’ll drain a glass of Cabernet, A tonic known as dry Merlot, And then another called Pinot. A Burgundy comes next, and — Ah! Letsh have a nice Petite Syrah! And though it sheems I’ve [...]

Epitaph

Michael Egan was a vegan. Always ate organic greens, Hand-picked oats and barley groats In no way processed by machines. Michael was a junk-food-hater. Healthy living was his cause. Never saw that speeding freighter Hauling tons of Häagen-Dazs.

The Halfway Diet

It’s time to get healthy, so here’s what I’ll do. I’ll simply divide my consumption by two! From now on my limit’s a three-pack of beers. My candy is One-And-A-Half Musketeers. Or a 50 Grand Bar (which is certainly plenty). At Starbucks, a dieci instead of a venti.  A can of V-4 is quite filling, I feel, [...]