Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Michael Egan was a vegan.
Always ate organic greens,
Hand-picked oats and barley groats
In no way processed by machines.
Michael was a junk-food-hater.
Healthy living was his cause.
Never saw that speeding freighter
Hauling tons of Häagen-Dazs.
It’s time to get healthy, so here’s what I’ll do.
I’ll simply divide my consumption by two!
From now on my limit’s a three-pack of beers.
My candy is One-And-A-Half Musketeers.
Or a 50 Grand Bar (which is certainly plenty).
At Starbucks, a dieci instead of a venti.
A can of V-4 is quite filling, I feel,
And an Eighth-Of-A-Pounder’s the happiest meal!
In half [...]
Friends, do you have dysentery,
Typhoid fever, beriberi,
Strep, e. coli, measles, mumps,
Strange, unnerving cystic lumps,
Gonorrhea, syphilis,
The heartbreak of psoriasis,
Lyme disease, the plague, rubella,
Shingles, jaundice, salmonella,
Flu, ebola, meningitis,
Spasms rivaling St. Vitus,
Whooping cough and puking jags?
You should have washed your grocery bags!
Medieval physicians, as history teaches,
Would bleed all their patients with razors and leeches.
They’d give you a physick to balance your humours,
Perhaps a live rat to eradicate tumors.
Barbaric techniques, and yet all of them pale
When compared to our present-day torture — the scale!
The chefs who’ve prepared The Last Supper
Have doubled the mass of their dishes.
With their huge appetizers
They’re true super-sizers.
They’ve multiplied bread loaves and fishes!
The disciples are practically bursting,
So they gently explain to the waiter,
“It’s his body we eat,
But by now we’re replete!
Can you box up a little for later?”
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Giving up caffeine is worth the trouble.
At least that’s what the leading experts say.
Your mind is clear, your energy is double
(As soon as all the headaches fade away).
Without the morning pick-me-up at seven,
Your body doesn’t crash by nine or ten.
And best of all, it’s absolutely heaven
The moment that you’ve started up again.
Friday, December 12, 2008
My body’s craving donuts.
The thickly frosted kind.
A triple bacon burger too.
The biggest I can find.
It’s had a ton of cheesecake,
But it wants another slice.
“Listen to your body”
Is absurdly bad advice!