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Category Archives: Holidays

Big Blowout

Willie was pumped on the Fourth of July. He’d bought enough ammo to light up the sky! He had spinners!  M-80s!  The Dragon of Doom! He lit up a fuse, gave a whoop, and KABOOM! Two toes and three fingers were blown clean apart. The gin bottle rockets were maybe not smart.

Sex Life of a Saint

Oh good and fine Saint Valentine Whose deeds of love forever shine, Who made a sweet occasion Of the pagan Lupercalia, Did you take a vow of chastity, Forsake all acts of nastity And never get all beastly With your priestly genitalia? We honor you, Saint Valentine, With fancy chocolates, roses, wine, With sheer and [...]

A Holiday Sing-Along

(With apologies to Perry Como) Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays Where you’re never self-conscious, never shy. You can watch cheesy movies in an eggnog haze. If you’re gassy, you can freely let one fly! I met a man who loved his Lucky Strikes But he was headin’ for Dismal places where [...]

Only 19 More Stressing Days!

It doesn’t feel like Christmas yet, So how’d we get so near it? I’ve bought no Bailey’s, Grand Marnier Or other Yuletide spirit. I haven’t bought my Christmas cards (They’re out of them at Aldi) Or decked the halls or trimmed the tree Or put on Vince Guaraldi. I haven’t started shopping, Though I know [...]

After the Firestorm

The Roman candles flame no more. The rockets all have flown. The flares and sparklers now are spent. The cherry bombs are blown. It’s time to put the punks away, For now the Fourth is over, And mop the puddle left behind By terror-stricken Rover.

Funny Guy

Kooky Kip puts Reddi-Wip On everyone’s computers. He offers plastic chips to munch Or else a “nice Hawaiian Punch.” He recommends a place for lunch, And — big surprise — it’s Hooters! It does no good to lose your cool. The guy’s a total April tool!

Shamrock the House!

Today we’re keen on wearin’ green Across the U.S.A. Though we be Scots or Hottentots We’re Irish for the day! We’ll drive our cars to Irish bars And talk in Irish brogues As we drain our beers and treat our ears To ballads by the Pogues!

A Beautiful Dream

Valleys exalted, mountains made low, Waters of justice that rush and flow Like a mighty river or gushing spring, This was the dream of Doctor King. Righteousness rolling in thundering waves That the sons of owners and sons of slaves Together might work and pray and sing, This was the dream of Doctor King. Peace [...]

Resolved!

This year I’ll write a novel that will live throughout the ages. Or at least a good novella of perhaps a hundred pages. Or a short and pithy story if I’m really pressed for time. Or a nicely crafted paragraph. Or maybe just this rhyme.

A Decade so Lame, it Has No Name

The decade brought us countless fads: You Tube, Crocs and hanging chads, Hockey moms, the Wii and social media. It brought us subprime lending schemes, Keyboard Cat and other memes, 9-11, wars, and Wikipedia. Rampant unemployment fears, The ups and downs of Britney Spears, The bird flu and another known as “swine.” The “aughts” have [...]