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Category Archives: Politics

Biology According to Akin

When the seed is first implanted in a willing woman’s womb, The fairies come to visit in that tiny, cozy room. They spread their magic rainbow dust and sprinkle drops of joy. When they mix it all together, it’s a living girl or boy! But the miracle won’t happen if the woman’s been attacked. (I [...]

Made in America

You can talk of unemployment and the debt’s increasing size. You can bicker over which campaign has told the bigger lies. You can warn of cuts to Medicare, and seniors quake in fear. But there’s still good news in politics. Obama’s brewing beer! It’s delicious, it’s refreshing, and it’s healthful as can be. It’ll probably [...]

Seeing the Light

I once was sympathetic to the nation’s working poor. I was troubled that the hungry numbered millions, maybe more. I naively thought the government should lend a helping hand. But I’ve since become enlightened, for I’ve read the works of Rand! I’ve learned that if you’re needy, it’s your own pathetic fault. You’re a parasite, [...]

Sleazemaster

I’m a negative campaigner. I can sling my weight in mud. I’ll assert that my opponent’s buying sex from Elmer Fudd! I’ll imply that wearing dresses is the least of all his quirks. It’s a blatant load of garbage, but it works! My opponent strangles kittens in a pagan cult of death, And he hires [...]

One Chick, One Dude

We’re a family operation, And our mission’s very broad. We do more than peddle chicken, We enforce the will of God! We’re the guardians of righteousness, So here at Chick-fil-A, We approve of love and marriage, But condemn it if it’s gay! The law is in Leviticus, Right there in white and black. (There are [...]

A Public Apology

Mr. Limbaugh, I apologize. I humbly take it back. I sincerely never meant it As a personal attack. Perhaps it was an impudent And thoughtless thing to say, But I meant “disgusting pinworm” In the very nicest way! I regret that I described you As an ape without the class, That I said you were [...]

Campaign Promise

When I’m elected president, I’ll slash the nation’s debt. I’ll minimize the taxes On the job-creating set. I’ll jump start our economy By May or maybe June, Then I’ll take our budget surplus And I’ll colonize the moon! I’ll build a slew of Starbucks, Chick-fil-A’s and Tastee-Freezes. I’ll cover Mare Imbrium With massive Chuck E. [...]

Laissez Faire

I’m an ardent Libertarian. I’m quirky and contrarian, A fan of Milton Friedman and a worshiper of Rand. I bolster my opinions with A smattering of Adam Smith And preach the holy Gospel of the Market’s Unseen Hand! I’m a freedom-loving radical. My passion is fanatical For rescuing the nation from a socialistic hell. I [...]

Memo from the Weenie In Chief

Mr. Speaker?  It’s the president. You busy?  Pardon me, But I’d like to speak to Congress When you’ve got a minute free. Don’t let me interrupt you If your hopefuls are debating. You’ve got Supercuts on Tuesday? Well, you can’t keep Paco waiting! So you’re booked up through December? How does January sound? If it’s [...]

Anthem of the House Republicans

We’re Tea Party leaders, as right as they get. We’d happily welch on the national debt. Education and healthcare, they’re ripe for big cuts, But we’d never raise taxes, ’cause that would be nuts! We’re persuaded that warming is good for the Earth And we’re certain the president’s Kenyan by birth. We’ll reform every gay [...]