I’ve had my share of wandering.
I’ve been to Greece and Spain.
I’ve seen the sights of Portland
both in Oregon and Maine.
I’ve been to Rome and Florence
and I plan to see Oaxaca.
But I still can’t help but snicker
when I hear “Lake Titicaca.”
Marmaduke is still around
and so’s The Family Circus.
Blondie, though she’s old and gray,
has stayed around to irk us.
Hagar’s jokes are Horrible
while Dennis bores us daily.
And boot camp has to be more fun
than reading Beetle Bailey!
“B.C.” suggests the latest time
the strip was sharp and clever.
It’s weird how “funny” often dies,
but “funnies” live forever!
When eating over-easy eggs,
Perfection is the goal.
The whites must be disposed of first,
The yolks then swallowed whole.
The expertise that this demands
Is hard to overstate.
But you who don’t acquire the skill
Are doomed to wash the plate.
My pricey vintage cabernet
Has hints of pepper, so they say.
It’s jammy with a trace of cherry,
Raisin, plum and elderberry.
You may detect some overtones
Of lightly toasted, buttered scones
Or marmelade with fresh-made crepes.
I kind of miss the taste of grapes.
In ur hamper! On ur sheetz!
In ur sammich, eatin’ meatz!
“I haz powerz!” “I haz style!”
It wuz cute 4 little while.
Gettin’ kinda old? An’ how!
Can kittehs pleez B ovr now?
I tried a low-flow toilet once,
A greener kind of loo.
It didn’t do a first-rate job.
(I’d rank it Number Two!)
I applaud the good intentions,
Yet I stand by my critique:
The spirit may be willing,
But the flush is all too weak!
The neighborhood recycling guys
Won’t pick up paper, tin or glass.
My aging furnace takes the prize
For mass-producing greenhouse gas.
My car can’t seem to get the hang
Of saving precious gasoline.
As someone very wise once sang,
It’s not so easy being green!
My holiday gift book Christmas Unwrapped has been published by Andrews McMeel and is available through their web site or Amazon!
The publisher says:
“This hilarious collection contains 47 original poems including ‘Battle in the Burbs,’ ‘Ad Nauseam,’ and ‘Maim That Tune’ alongside playful seasonal imagery. Emmons’ work is guaranteed to ignite the spirit of Christmas, or at least bemused tolerance, in even the most steadfast of Scrooges.”
Here’s a sample of this “lighthearted humor to get you through the holidays.” If you’d like more, well, you know where to find it!
Homey Holidays
I’ll be home for Christmas
(I go there every year).
A place that’s plain and peaceful
with a cheery atmosphere.
Where winter skies are silvery
and days are cold and sleety.
I’ll be home for Christmas
’cause I can’t afford Tahiti.
I’m living in a backward state
As this example renders plain.
The guy next door, at this late date,
Still has a sign for John McCain.
When I was little, maybe two or three,
Some time before I reached the age of reason,
I thought that people lived in our TV
And new ones came along with each new season.
Today I’m grown, but not that much astuter
And naked people live in my computer.
