Monday, November 21, 2011
What is it like
For Lieutenant John Pike?
Has his thuggish bravado
Now taken a hike?
With an arrogant swagger
He brandished his can,
And bringing the pain
Made him feel like a man!
But now he’s a joke,
Spraying hobbit and elf,
The Munchkins and Yoda
And Jesus himself!
He’s sprayed JFK
And the guy from The Scream.
He was just a policeman,
But now he’s a meme!
Oh, what is it like
For Lieutenant John Pike?
Does he long for the days
Of the good old Third Reich?
Perhaps he’s contrite
And his hubris has ended.
More likely, I think,
He’s just mad he’s suspended.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
I’m an ardent Libertarian.
I’m quirky and contrarian,
A fan of Milton Friedman
and a worshiper of Rand.
I bolster my opinions with
A smattering of Adam Smith
And preach the holy Gospel
of the Market’s Unseen Hand!
I’m a freedom-loving radical.
My passion is fanatical
For rescuing the nation
from a socialistic hell.
I loathe an interfering state.
My mantra is “Deregulate!”
I’d rather be completely screwed
by Wal-Mart, Chase or Shell!
The old folks dine on chicken tenders,
Twelve-ounce steaks and pork pot pies.
They often go on gravy benders,
Dousing grits or curly fries!
Apple cobblers, huge and weighty,
Put me in a pensive mood.
How does anyone reach eighty
When they eat Bob Evans food?
Sunday, September 25, 2011
There is no “the” in iPad,
As there is no “a” in Kindle.
The article is déclassé.
“The Wii” has clearly seen its day,
And even hobos, so they say,
Now pack their gear in Bindle.
Those little words are past their prime.
You heard it here in Daily Rhyme.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Mr. Speaker? It’s the president.
You busy? Pardon me,
But I’d like to speak to Congress
When you’ve got a minute free.
Don’t let me interrupt you
If your hopefuls are debating.
You’ve got Supercuts on Tuesday?
Well, you can’t keep Paco waiting!
So you’re booked up through December?
How does January sound?
If it’s really inconvenient,
I can move some things around.
Oh, wait — your painter’s coming
And the carpet cleaner too?
Let’s bag it altogether then.
Is that all right with you?
The path is cleared for innovation:
Artificial cogitation,
Robot servants, flying cars,
Starbucks on the moon and Mars!
A new 4-D computer screen,
Phones that deconstruct Bakhtin!
The future, brought to you by Mac.
Jobs was holding Apple back!
I can deal with ghosts and poltergeists
that haunt me in the night.
If the zombies come in search of flesh,
they’re welcome to a bite.
I can handle monsters, maniacs,
and snakes upon a plane,
But it creeps me out like crazy
when amoebas eat my brain!
They attack the hapless swimmer
in the waters of the South.
They enter through the sinuses
(though not, it seems, the mouth).
Then they suck the cerebellum
like the Thing that Mangled Maine!
It’s a chill-inducing nightmare
when amoebas eat your brain!
So the aliens may probe me
with their scary colon-cam,
And if Dracula himself appears,
I’ll hardly give a damn.
It’s a singular aversion,
so don’t ask me to explain,
But I really, really hate it
when amoebas eat my brain!
The markets are all in a jittery mood.
The Dow is in shambles, the NASDAQ is screwed.
But there’s one thing to do when the panic sets in.
I’m investing my money in Beefeater Gin!
Beefeater Gin! Beefeater Gin!
I’m sinking it all into Beefeater Gin!
When stocks are inflated and pop like a bubble,
I plunge into gin until everything’s double!
Then each little buck has its very own twin.
The returns are astounding from Beefeater Gin!
Beefeater Gin! It’s a guaranteed win!
The smart money’s always on Beefeater Gin!
The Blue chips are crumbling, but what do I care
If Wal-Mart has tumbled to three cents a share?
Though my 401K is anemic and thin,
If they’re selling, I’m buying more Beefeater Gin!
Beefeater Gin! It’s as easy as sin
To ride out the market on Beefeater Gin!
We’re Tea Party leaders, as right as they get.
We’d happily welch on the national debt.
Education and healthcare, they’re ripe for big cuts,
But we’d never raise taxes, ’cause that would be nuts!
We’re persuaded that warming is good for the Earth
And we’re certain the president’s Kenyan by birth.
We’ll reform every gay man from Frisco to Philly,
But never raise taxes, ’cause that would be silly!
Now all who oppose us are commies and Reds
(For so say the voices that shout in our heads).
We’ll denounce them as demons or Hitler on crack,
But we’ll never raise taxes, ’cause that would be whack!
Tonight I dine on tender tortellini
With zesty meatballs made from chicken wings,
Mojito salmon, turkey tetrazzini,
And herb-encrusted calamari rings.
Basmati couscous topped with gorgonzola,
Greek yogurt and a mango-flavored brie
Washed down with nature’s best organic cola
Or oatmeal stout, low-carb and gluten-free!
Asparagus risotto, coq au vin,
White hummus with a subtle hint of lime,
Cilantro black bean chili from the can,
And duck l’orange (for which there is no rhyme).
No longer need I wallow in self-pity,
For Trader Joe’s has come to Kansas City!
