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Call Me Conflicted.

Dear Caitlyn, congrats on your bold transformation!
You’re rocking the cover of Vanity Fair!
And yet I applaud you with some hesitation
For (pardon the metaphor) growing a pair.
Because of your courage, your goose is ungandered,
Your Mickey is Minnied, your guyhood is girled.
But your beauty has set an impossible standard
For all former he-men all over the world!

 

Pronoun Fail

I’ve read the grammars front to back,
But still I’ve got no clue
Why standard English has to lack
A plural form of “you.”

It seems that someone dropped the ball,
Which frankly has me bugged.
The South quite gamely offered “y’all,”
But Northerners just shrugged.

And “youse,” of course, is widely dissed
Except for cracking wise.
No self-respecting feminist
Would stoop to say, “you guys.”

How useful it would be to say,
Ustedes,” “ihr” or “vous.”
I curse the fiend who took away
Our plural form of “you!”

 

 

Farewell, Mr. Spock

Farewell, Mr. Spock.
Your demise was a shock.
You lived long and prospered,
But ran out the clock.
We’ll miss your expressions of sheer fascination,
Your stoic demeanor of deep contemplation.
We solemnly mourn with the whole Federation.
We bid you farewell, Mr. Spock.

Farewell, Mr. Spock,
Whom no Klingon could mock,
The sort of a man
It’s an honor to grok.
Our grief is as vast as the heavenly spheres.
One lift of an eyebrow now brings us to tears.
That song about Bilbo’s a dirge to our ears.
We bid you farewell, Mr. Spock.

Farewell, Mr. Spock.
Cue the Mozart and Bach,
Or the Stones or The Who,
For in fact you still rock.
Though at times you took on an Impossible Mission
Or morphed into Tevye to sing of tradition,
Your Star Fleet career is what won recognition,
And so it’s farewell, Mr. Spock.
Our fondest farewell, Mr. Spock!

 

 

It’s a Long Wait for VA Health Care

Okay, first post in well over a year. The idea for this song recently popped into my head and I had to write it up. My apologies for the low quality of the video. I cobbled it together from images on the web, just to have some visual content for YouTube.

 

Decadent Me

If I were in power, I’m sure I’d abuse it.
When given a chance at debasement, I’d choose it.
I’d party with strippers and maybe a chimp.
I’d make old Caligula look like a wimp!
There’d always be orgies outside in my grotto,
And “Born to be freaky” would serve as my motto!
What booze I would guzzle! What bodies I’d grope!
And that’s why I’ll probably never be pope.

 

PSYcle of Fame

When your song’s the new sensation
And your video’s gone viral,
When you’ve rocketed to global fame,
Beware the downward spiral!
If you think the praise and accolades
Will last for quite a while,
Your forgotten past will soon come back
To screw you, Gangnam style!

Now perhaps you spoke in anger
Or you’d had too much to drink,
You were stressed beyond your limit
Or you simply didn’t think!
But you sang along with lyrics
That were shocking, rude and vile,
Which is truly unforgivable.
You messed up, Gangnam style!

Though you try to say you’re sorry
And admit that you were wrong,
Your career is quickly blowing up
Just like a Taepodong!
When you shout, “Hey, sexy lady,”
You don’t even get a smile.
It was just a foolish moment,
But you’re buggered, Gangnam style!

 

Prophet Motive

O great Mr. Silver! O marvelous Nate!
Infallible wizard of FiveThirtyEight!
You blew all our minds with the stats you were droppin’
And left the Republicans wailing, “Wha’ happen?”
But honestly, now that you’re on such a roll,
Why stop at some boring political poll?
I’m dying to hear your oracular views
On pork belly futures. Now that I can use!
Let’s take an excursion to Vegas or Reno.
We’ll clean up at baccarat, blackjack and keno.
Or hell, since I’m certain you’re up to the task,
The Powerball numbers are all that I ask!
Then we’ll move to Tahiti with riches untold.
There’s just no denying it. Silver, you’re gold!

 

Change of Plans

This goes out to that small but faithful posse of readers who regularly follow The Daily Rhyme. For the last few months I’ve committed to posting a new rhyme every day. I can say with no reservations that it’s been a blast. Of course the quality has varied from day to day, but there have been enough “hits” to keep me energized. Still, as much as I love cranking out doggerel, I’ve had to face the fact that the daily schedule leaves me too little time for another writing project that I want to complete. I’ve come to a final decision that The Daily Rhyme will be “daily” in name only. From now on I’ll post once a week, with additional posts when random inspiration strikes.

Big thanks to all those who have left comments, corrections, criticisms, etc. And to those who just come by to see the latest. I know you’re out there, I’ve seen the stats!

-Scott

 

Willard of Oz

Mr. Romney took a journey
on the road of yellow brick.
He said to Oz the Powerful,
“I need a favor, quick!
As a seasoned politician,
I can do the song and dance,
but the voters never trust me,
’cause I haven’t got a stance!

“I’ve flipped and flopped on health care.
Global warming! Gun control!
When it comes to regulation, well,
I shift with every poll!
I’m not a Roe supporter,
but believe me, O great Oz,
There are binders full of women
who remember when I was!

“Now I’ve got my share of courage,
and I’ve even got a brain.
I never had a heart, but hey,
that served me well at Bain!
But I’m missing something critical,
and you’re my only chance.
I could clinch this whole election
if I only had a stance!”

 

Zeno’s Excuse

To make my way to gym from chair,
I first must travel halfway there.
If chair is A and gym is C,
I’ll have to get halfway to B!
The stages then become so small,
I logically can’t move at all.
So here I sit, in shorts and socks.
By Zeus, I love a paradox!